Dolapo has been my good friend for a few years now, his amiable personality and determination to make a difference in People’s lives are part of what makes him outstanding. As a relationship coach, he gives some insight on the issue of making long-lasting commitments. Be inspired as you read.
Hi friends, it’s a beautiful February 14th. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!
I presume your eyes are fastened on to your i-pad, i-phone, android, laptop or whatever device you are reading this post from.
I discuss a certain love-disease I call CommitmentPHOBIA. How can one forge ahead in a relationship regardless of his/her fears?
You are on to a great time with me. Read on!
The term ‘CommitmentPHOBIA’ was coined in the popular self-help book ‘Men Who Can’t Love’ in 1987.
CommitmentPHOBIA is defined as “an unrealistic fear of making a promise, a pledge or a vow to be a FAITHFUL & LOYAL partner to another person“.
This could connote a fear of long-term COMMITMENT and eventually marriage. A CommitmentPHOBIC partner might speak in concrete terms about a LASTING relationship but he lacks the WILLPOWER to see it through.
He is scared of making a wrong choice. He is usually euphoric at meeting you and fantasizes about being with you but he just can’t hold on for long.
Let me describe one so you could get my point.
James lives around Adeniyi Jones axis of Ikeja, Lagos, Nigeria. He meets you, likes you & falls in love with you.
He waxes eloquent about you to the big F&F (friends & family). He is IMPECCABLY courteous.
He puts your need before his always, says he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, proceeds to be an amazing boyfriend. However, he walks out on you on the verge of committing OFFICIALLY to you. It sounds like him right? Or is that you?
Some even go as far as getting to know & meet your parents but anytime you raise the issue of your engagement, he tells you not to put him under pressure.
His commitment rises & falls like the sine wave. The truth is he is faced with some sort of INSECURITY.
His commitment-phobia may be due to an earlier trauma. It could be from an abusive relationship with a relative.
For some others, it could be because of the several BEATINGS meted out to mom by dad which probably led to their divorce.
When someone you love or are connected to betrays you, the healing process is a deep one and can take some time.
There is a DISCONNECT between your feelings and what you believe life is supposed to be like.
When you suffer an heartbreak (esp. early in life), your ability to see the world as kind may be SHATTERED & you somehow LOCK UP.
You’ll utter statements such as ‘all men are CHEATS‘, ‘all those ladies are only AFTER your MONEY.
True as that may sound, you’ve only allowed yourself to be embittered & have refused to MOVE ON.
If this has happened to you, trusting again is something you may not be ready for.
For some, the fear of being responsible for another person is overwhelming. They do not have the ability to take care of anyone else because they are too busy keeping their own world together.
Keeping your life very controlled could however make you MISS OUT on the one thing that can make it WORTHWHILE: LOVE.
There are many reasons to AVOID getting emotionally involved with another person. However, there are GAINS in doing OTHERWISE.
I know that you could get hurt or your life may LOSE its ORDER, but don’t let that keep you from giving yourself the GIFT of LOVE.
Yes, you can avoid a bunch of pain that comes with every relationship, but you won’t get any of the goodies either.
Every time we open our hearts to a person, place, or thing, we take the risk of being let down. However, to stay closed off is only going to make your life smaller and seemingly safer.
The truth is that you have the keys to make your world whatever you want it to be. Open your self-imposed PRISON & walk through this life with an OPEN heart.
If you have been hurt, you can love again. Break from your past & trust your INSTINCTS to CHOOSE right.
If the above describes you, then you’ve got a solution. The following are steps to overcoming #commitmentPHOBIA:
1. Acknowledge that you really want to share your life with someone and be open to taking a calculated risk with a potential mate.
2. Recognize that your fears have kept you away from achieving your life goals. Talk to a trusted friend, mentor or therapist about them.
3. Learn how to pace a good relationship. Look forward to moving forward. You don’t have to run.
4. Discuss your goals and dreams together, and try to experience true intimacy. Understand that being in a committed twosome can empower both partners.
5. Above all, talk to God about it. He’ll heal you of your past and help you to LOVE truly.
Thanks for engaging the rods & cone cells in your eyes as you read this piece. God bless you.
Hope to talk with you soon.
I am Omodolapo,
Your Relationship Pathfinder.
To read more from him, kindly like his Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/pages/Men-with-Vision-and-Purpose/646872995359455?fref=ts
Thank you for reading!
Tomorrow’s POST (DAY 15) also promises to be an inspiring read as another amazing friend, Tolulope writes on ‘MORE LOVE‘. Pls don’t miss it.